Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
