Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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