I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
