its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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