Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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