Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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