It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Is Oprah even human
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
