does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
