i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
