There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
