I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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