Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
