matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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