Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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