I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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