Too much gin, very little bucket
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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