You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
