i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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