This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
