I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
