I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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