No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
40s are totally the cure
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
