Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
