dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
