he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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