I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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