please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
