worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
