I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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