In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
