I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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