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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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