You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
