i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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