she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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