I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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