She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
