you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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