We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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