Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
