the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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