Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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