Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize