So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
