The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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