Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
