the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
