U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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