I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
