Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
