If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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