I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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