# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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