there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
someone owes me an orgasm
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
