look no pants
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
