You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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